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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.