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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.