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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"