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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol