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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
I have Beer.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?