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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"