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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Sometimes I think Iām too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.