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Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!