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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
I just threw up my weekend.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.