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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?