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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!