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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
is accepting applications. Needed someone to keep me from doing dumb stuff. See previous post.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.