Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."