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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.