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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?