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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."