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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."