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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.