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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day ā¦ but then I realized it was a mirror.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My cardio is shopping.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
What Iām really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.