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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
My misery likes tequila, not company.