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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.