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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.