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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.