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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.