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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.