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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.