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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!