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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Party like you will never be invited to another!
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?