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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.