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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.