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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
I just broke my record for most days lived.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about