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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..