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I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I never finish anyth...............
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.