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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!