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How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.