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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?