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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"