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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.