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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.