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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
I’m late for a disappointment.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.