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A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC