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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.