Daily Silly Status

My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.

You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.

I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.

I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.

My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.

Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?

My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.

The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!

I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.

I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?

Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)

dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob

I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.