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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.