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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.