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My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.