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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.