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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.