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Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?