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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.