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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.