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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.