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Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married