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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.