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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
drinks well with others.