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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.