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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude