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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.