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I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.