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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
It takes balls to be a man.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.