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Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."