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Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn`t predator an alien too? They should`ve just called it "Some Aliens"
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Condoms prevent minivans.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.