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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.