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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.