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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...