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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.