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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
This headache feels like dumb people
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.