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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.