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Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?