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If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.